i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
