if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
