I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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