Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
