marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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