woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
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Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.