This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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