So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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