You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
