If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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