if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
