I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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