shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
