my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
