God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
