The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
