just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
