i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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