you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
