Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
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I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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