Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Randomize