shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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