I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
