The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
