I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
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When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
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So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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