I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
