I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
