did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
