can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
