It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
