dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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