I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
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On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
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People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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