my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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