I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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