I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
