no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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