tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
