you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
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This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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