I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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