She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.