FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.