I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé