i may or may not be watching the land before time
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
