I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
