Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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