I am in a vortex of obligation.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
