I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
