hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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