I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
