Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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