you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
