Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
