My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
