oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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