just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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