Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
