.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
