textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
