my phone needs a breathalizer
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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