What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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