Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
