I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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