He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
