you guys were way drunker than both of me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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